• Puns
• What is a pun?
• daffynitions
• famous quotes
• signs

• sticks float, they would.
• I owe, I owe, so off to work I go.
• Time flies like an arrow;  fruit flies like a banana.

Some puns require a small introduction:

• Why didn't the lions eat Daniel when he was thrown in their den?  Because he read to them from his Bible all night.  He was the first prophet to read between the lions.
• Have you heard about the Indian tribe that lives near here that has a sleeping problem?  This is a small tribe, there are only 500 of them, but every member has insomnia.  They are called the Indian nap-less 500.
• Do you know what happens to doctors that perform trans-sexual operations?  They are arrested by the FBI for tampering with a U.S. male.
• Have you heard about the two chess players that did well in a tournament and were boasting about it in the foyer of the Church?  The Bishop walked by and remarked: "If there is one thing I can't stand, it is two chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
• Did I tell you that I entered a pun contest?  I entered 10 puns hoping one would win.  But no pun in 10 did.
• I love my home, but I hate my office.  I have an edifice complex.
• Then there was the ScoutMaster who got a fantastic deal on this case of Tates brand compasses for his troup; only $1.25 each!  Only problem was, when they got them out in the woods, the compasses were all stuck pointing to the "W" on the dial. Obviously, :  He who has a Tates is lost!
• Did you hear about the cows that were put in orbit by the space shuttle?  It was the herd shot round the world!
• Do you know what a box lunch is?  It is what Johann Sebastian's wife had to make every morning.
• What do you call a knife that cuts four loaves of bread at once?  A four-loaf cleaver.
• Have you heard about the Tibetan housewife who looked at the smoke coming out of her kitchen and exclaimed: "Oh, my baking Yak."
• Did you hear about the two peanuts walking down the street late at night?  One was assaulted.
• Did you hear about the Jedi English teacher who told the class: "Metaphors be with you."
• What do you call three rabbits all in a row, hopping backwards simultaneously?  A receding hare line.
• What do you get if you cross Lee Iacoca with Dracula?  Autoexec.bat
• If you are not part of the solution, you must be part of the precipitate.
• Did you hear about the two molecules walking down the stree?  One lost an electron, and exclaimed: "I'm positive!"
• Did you hear about the Buddhist who went up to the hot-dog vender and said: "Make me one with everything."
• Did you hear about the termite that went into a pub and asked: "Is the bar tender here?"
• What does it cost a pirate to get his ears pierced?  A buck an ear.
• What does an Olympic fencing hopeful do at noon each day ?    Leaves his office and goes out to lunge.
• Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
• Will Windows95 live long and phosphor?
• For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
• If a parsley farmer is sued, could they garnish his wages?
• From an ex-nazi SS interrogator, now a watchmaker, to the clock that won't run and which he is repairing: "Ve haf vays off making you tock!"
• When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.
• A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
• Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
•  Did you know that historians have established that William Tell and his son were members of a bowling league?   But they were unable to discover the sponsors of the league so we don't know for whom the Tells bowled.
• Two brooms decided to get married and just before the ceremony the bride broom told the groom broom that she was expecting a little whisk broom.   The groom broom exclaimed: "Not possible.   We've never swept together."
• What do you call a Girl Guide in Belgium? A Brussels Scout?
• Did you know that Davy Crocket had three ears?   A left ear, a right ear, and a wild front ear.
• Did you hear about the guy who fell into the machine at the upholstery shop?   He's recovered now.
• What do you get if you drop a piano down a mine shaft?   A flat miner.
• Did you hear about the guy who was arrested at the airport with a protractor, a compass, and a ruler?  He was charged with possessing weapons of math instruction.
• Recently, Juan Gonzales, the Spanish golfer, was found dead on the 18th fairway shot through the heart.  Unfortunately, the only clue was a hole in Juan.
• I have been alternately dreaming that I am a temptress in a Bizet opera and the head of the Nazi Luftwaffe.  I just can't tell whether I am Carmen or Goering.
• Have you heard about the two silk worms that were racing each other?  It ended in a tie.

• Recently, the coast guard intercepted a boat off the California shore that was loaded with pot.  I mean, there was so much of the stuff that they really had a difficult time trying to figure out how to get rid of it.  Finally, they located a company on the nearby shore that had a huge furnace and one of those tall chimneys reaching high into the sky.  And so they made an arrangement and began burning the marijuana.  And of course, the smoke was rising up out of this chimney and suddenly a flock of birds flies right through it.  And it seems that these birds were a species of Tern that was native to this area and quite rare.  So of course, when the environmentalists found out about it, they simply had to follow those birds and find out what had happened to them.  And no Tern was left un-stoned.
• Have you heard about the man who was having weird dreams?  One night he dreamed he was a wigwam and people were going in and out of him.  The next night he dreamed he was a teepee and people were building fires inside of him.  At this point he became alarmed and went to see a psychiatrist.  He said: "Doc, you gotta help me.  I dreamed that I was a wigwam and I dreamed that I was a teepee.  What on earth is the matter?"  And the doctor replied: "Well, my friend, I think I know what your problem is.  You are too tense."
• Have you heard about the little green frogs that live in Walden's Pond?  They are quite rare- this is the only place in the world that they are found.  And one day it was discovered that they were dying out.  This alarmed the environmentalists and they did a study.  Come to find out, the frogs had skins that were so slippery that they were having trouble staying together long enough to mate.  It was quite a problem until a chemist came up with a solution.  He invented a special glue made mostly of sodium and saved the frogs by giving them a mono-sodium glue to mate.
• Have you heard about the problems they were having recently at Marineland?  The star porpoise was mis-behaving.  He was being rude and even obscene to the tourists.  It was quite a problem and the managers thought that they would have to put him to sleep.  But suddenly the trainer got an idea:  maybe if they got the porpoise a companion he might settle down and behave.  So they acquired a Mynah bird and put it into a cage next to the porpoise pool and sure enough, the two became friends, and the porpoise was behaving again.  But suddenly one day the Mynah bird escaped and they could not find it anywhere.  Eventually the bird was located hiding in a lion's cage nearby and the lion was asleep so the trainer volunteered to fetch the bird.  But as he exited from the lion's cage he was arrested by the FBI for transporting a Mynah over a sedate lion for an immoral porpoise.
• Have you heard about Paul Revere and the British spy?  Paul was notified of the identity of a British spy while he was eating lunch with friends in an Italian restaurant.  Just then he noticed that the spy's girlfriend was seated at a nearby table.  At that moment, the woman got up and left the restaurant, whereupon Paul Revere arose from his seat and announced to his friends: "Hold the spumoni.  I'm going to follow that chick and catch a Tory."
• Have you heard about the African tribal chief who had no throne?  And so the elders of the tribe decided to give him one for his birthday.  But the chief did not like the throne, so he stowed it in the attic of the grass house where he lived.  The next year, noticing that the chief was not using his throne, the elders gave him a new one.  But the chief did not like this one either, so he stowed it in the attic with the other one.  This went on for several more years, until one day, when the chief was sitting quietly in his hut meditating upon the problems of the day, the ceiling of the structure gave way, and the thrones crashed down upon him, ending his life.  Obviously, the moral of this story is:  people who live in grass houses should not stow thrones.
• A boy was bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice. Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied. Said the store manager, "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."
• Did you watch the opening ceremonies of the Olympics?   They played music from Bethoven's 9th symphony.  But there was a problem.   The basses, in the back of the orchestra, decided they had a few minutes to spare before being asked to play anything, so they began to imbibe some spirited beverages.  Soon they became intoxicated and two of them passed out.  Just then, the last movement of the symphony called for lots of base.  The conductor saw what was happening and instantly sized up the situation: it was the bottom of the ninth, there were two out and the basses were loaded.
• There was once a wise man who loved a beautiful maiden, but she lived in a marsh where his car always got stuck and, besides, her father had a gun, so he never did get close enough to tell her of his passion. However, she had a more energetic suitor who purchased amphibious tires for his car and, when her father was asleep, speedily carried her off. Moral: Treads rush in where wise men fear to fool.
• A wealthy man decided it would be fun to have himself cloned. The clone turned out to be an exact duplicate of the man except that it spoke nothing but extremely profane language. After several months of listening to this, the man got fed up, took the clone up into the mountains and went to the edge of a steep cliff. Looking around and not seeing anybody, he pushed the clone over the cliff. Just then, a cop stepped out from behind some bushes and said, "I'm going to have to write you a ticket." "What for?" "For making an obscene clone fall."
• Did you hear about the two boll weevils that grew up in South Carolina?  One of them went to Hollywood and became a famous actor.   But the other one stayed in the cotton fields and never amounted to anything.   Obviously, he was the lesser of two weevils.
• Did you hear about the two eskimos that were sitting in a kayak?   It was quite cold, so they built a fire.  But of course, it burned a hole through the bottom of the kayak and it sank and they drowned.   Which proves that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
• Have you heard about the doctor who made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home? The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
• Then there was the hungry lion who was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
• Have you heard about the woman who had twins, and gave them up for adoption? One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins-if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
• A local bar had a mascot that was very popular with the patrons, a dog named Spot.  When Spot died one day, the bartender had Spot's tail cut off and mounted over the bar so that everyone could remember him with fondness.   Spot ascended to the pearly gates where he met up with St. Peter who asked him if he had been a good dog.   Spot replied that he had and St. Peter then informed him that this was good but that since heaven was a place of perfection, he would have to retrieve his tail to get in.   So Spot returned to earth and knocked on the door of the bar at 3:00 in the morning.  The bartender, who slept in the back of the bar, opened the door and exclaimed: "Why, its the spirit of Spot!   How are you?"   And Spot replied: "I'm ok, but I need to retrieve my tail to get into heaven."   Whereupon the bartender said: "Oh, I'm really sorry, Spot.   But my license won't allow me to retail spirits this time of night."
• Have you heard about the husband who hired a hit-man to kill his wife?  After reaching agreement on a price, the hit-man, whose name was Artie, asked for a down payment.   At that point  the husband replied that he only had $1 on him at the moment.   After reflection, Artie agreed to take the token down payment and set about to do his dastardly deed.   After following the wife into a supermarket, he observed her heading down a deserted aisle and coming up behind, he choked her to death.   Just then another patron of the market peeked around the corner and saw what was happening and Artie had to choke this person, too.    But he wasn't very clever after all and he was soon caught.  Whereupon the newspaper headlines proclaimed: "Artie chokes two for a dollar in local market"
• Then there were these two clams that were munching on chocolate chip cookies when a couple of fish swam by.   One of the fish asked the clams if they would share their booty only to be turned away with a resounding negative.   The other fish asked:  "What is the matter with those guys, anyway?"   Whereupon the other one replied: " They're two shellfish."
• An unfortunate man was born without arns, legs or a torso. Throughout life he sang the blues, longing for a body, and dreamed about it often. One morning he awoke after one such dream with arms, legs and torso! Amazed and full of wonder, he ran out into the street hollering to everybody "look, I have a body!" He wasn't watching carefully, however, because a truck came along and ran over him. He was DOA at the morgue. Moral: Quit while you are a head.
• The heart attack victim was lying on the floor being administered to by the paramedics when his pastor arrived.  The man gazed up at the clergyman with a grim face and said: "Reverend, I have a confession to make.  Your two-wheel dolly is still in my garage."   At that, the pastor exclaimed: "Well, George, I think this qualifies for a dolly pardon."
• Benny was the leader of a desert tribe of nomads which held an unusual religious belief:  that if he ever shaved off his beard, he would be turned into an earthenware jug.    Benny hated the beard because it itched horribly but he endured it for years because of his belief.   But one day, overcome with discomfort, he shaved off the beard.   There was a flash of lightning, a crash of thunder, and Benny was instantly turned into an earthenware jug.   Which proves that a Benny shaved is a Benny urned.
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• A history professor and a psychology professor were sitting on a porch in a nudist colony watching the sunset and the history professor says: "Have you read Marx?"  And the psychology professor says: "Yes, I think it's these wicker chairs."

Here are some other daffy definitions:
 
            Alarms:  What an octopus is.
            Alimony:  The bounty of mutiny.
            Archeologist:  A man whose career lies in ruins.
            Chaste Manhattan:   Bank for virgins.
            Cobra: .. A bra for siamese twins.
            Diplomacy:  Lying in state.
            Diplomat:  One who is disarming, even if his country isn't.
            DAM:  Mothers Against Dyslexia.
            Dockyard: A physician's lawn.
            Egotist:  One who is me-deep in conversation.
            Fjord:  a Norwegian car.
            Flattery:  Phony express.
            Incongruous:  Where bills are passed.
            Hangover:  The wrath of grapes.
            Income Tax:  Capital punishment.
            Kleptomaniac:  One who can't help himself from helping himself.
            Middle Age:  When actions creak louder than words.
            Olympic Officials:  The souls that time men's tries.
            Pasteurize:  Too far to see.
            Pole Vault:  a Polish bank.
            Propaganda:  A gentlemanly goose.
            Psychologist:  A person that pulls habits out of rats.

Quantum Mechanics:  the dreams that stuff is made of.
Saxophone:  An ill wind nobody blows good.
Toboggan:  Why we go to an auction.
 
 A good pun is its own reword.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
When you dream in colour, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

             In a brassiere shop window:  "We're the real decoy."
             At a brothel:  "It's a business doing pleasure with you!"
             In a butcher shop window:  "Never a bum steer."
             On a diaper service truck:  "Rock a dry baby."
             On a divorce lawyer's wall:  "Satisfaction guaranteed or your honey back."
             On a junkyard fence:  "Edifice wrecks."
             Over the psychiatrist's couch:  "I shrink, therefore I am."
             At Spooner's Tailor Shoppe:  "It's our measure to pleat you!"
             At the tire store:  "We skid you not!"

What is a Pun?

    In Italian, 'puntiglio' means "a fine point," hence a verbal quibble, and is most likely the source of the English "punctilious."  There developed in late 17th- and early 18th-century England a short-lived, fanciful word "pundigrion," which indeed was a term for what we now know as a pun.  Since snappy monosyllables produced by breaking off pieces of longer words were all the rage back then, it is widely thought that  this is how and where the word "pun" was created.

    A pun is defined by Webster as "the humorous use of a word, or of words which are formed or sounded alike but have different meanings, in such a way as to play on two or more of the possible applications; a play on words."   In describing the various forms of verbal humor, The New Encyclopaedia Britannica refers to a pun as "two disparate strings of thought tied together by an acoustic knot."  That analogy strikes a very pleasant cord!

    Are puns dangerous?  There are only 15 recorded deaths attributed to punning, and  the majority of those were individuals that unfortunately  responded to an ad in Variety seeking "headliners" for the court of King Henry VIII.  However, so many a pun has resulted in tears, that it has been  said that this is how the two lachrymal ducts, located at the  nasal end of the upper and lower lid margins of each eye, came to be known as 'puncta lacrimalia,' very loosely translated from the Latin for "tearfully criminal puns."

    Puns don't kill people, people kill puns.

    Are there different types of puns?   Funny you should ask.

    Homographic:  use of multiple meanings from a single spelling (e.g., "pen" for writing instrument or animal  enclosure).  Also referred to as antanaclasis.

    Homophonic:   use of like sounds but with different spellings and meanings.  Also referred to as polyptoton.    Examples of homophones from A to Z:

    ad ... add              nap ... knap
    buy ... by              oar ... or
    caries ... carrys     primer ... primmer
    damn ... dam         queue ... cue
    eerie ... Erie          rain ... rein ... reign
    for ... four             scent ... sent
    gait ... gate            taro ... tarot
    hear ... hear          urn ... earn
    idle ... idol             vain ... vane
    jeans ... genes       waive ... wave
    knot ... not            xero ... zero
    ledger ... leger       yore ... your
    main ... mane ... Maine   zounds ... sounds

What do folks have to say about punning?

               Fred Allen:  "Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted."

          James Boswell on puns:  "... among the smaller excellencies of  lively conversation."

               Anthony Burgess:  "... plurality of reference is in the very nature of language,  and its management and exploitation is one
                                                   of the joys of writing."

               Samuel Taylor Coleridge:  In a lecture on Shakespeare, he said that punning
                              "may be the lowest, but at all events is the most harmless kind of wit,  because it never excites envy."

           William Combe:  "A paltry, humbug jest; those who have the least wit make them best."

               John Dryden:  ... to "torture one poor word ten thousand ways."

               Henry Erskine:  When asked if the pun is the lowest form of  wit, he replied,
                      "It is, and therefore the foundation of all wit." 

              Oliver Wendell Holmes:  "People that make puns are like wanton boys that put
                       coppers on the railroad tracks.  They amuse themselves and other children,
                       but their little trick may upset a freight train of conversation for the sake of
                       a battered witticism."
                      "There is no such thing as a female punster."  {I guess that means that punning
                      is a crime for malefactors only!}

             Samuel Johnson:  "If I were punished for every pun I shed, there would not be left
                       a puny shed of my punnish head."

             Arthur Koestler:  "... two strings of thought tied with an acoustic knot."

             Charles Lamb:  "... a noble thing per se.  It fills the mind,  it is as perfect as a sonnet; better."

             Charles Lamb:  "... a pistol let off at the ear; not a feather to tickle the intellect."

             Oscar Levant:  "A pun is the lowest form of humor - when you don't think of it first."

             Leonard L. Levinson:  "... a joke based on the infirmities of  language."

             Christopher Morley:  "... language on vacation."

             Edgar Allen Poe:  "Of puns it has been said that those who most
                             dislike them are those who are least able to utter them."

             Sydney Smith on puns:  "The wit of words.  They are exactly the same to words which wit
                            is to ideas, and consist in the sudden discovery of relations in language."

             Jonathan Swift:  "... a talent which no man effects to despise but he that is without it."

             Jonathan Swift:  "Punning is an art of harmonious jingling upon words, which, passing
                         in at the ears, excites a titillary motion in those parts; and this, being conveyed
                        by the animal spirits into the muscles of the face, raises the cockles of the heart."

             Ambrose Bierce:  "... form of wit, to which wise men stoop and fools aspire."


What are some other examples of puns by celebrated individuals?

             * William Blake:  "Her whole Life is an Epigram smack smooth & neatly pend.
                       Platted quite neat to catch applause with a sliding noose at the end."

             * Peter DeVries: "The things my wife buys at auctions are keeping me baroque."

             * Ben Jonson (English dramatist) was asked by a friend to make up a pun.
                         "Pun what subject?" was his quick reply.  The friend chuckled and said,
                         "Oh, the king."  Ben replied, "But the king is not a subject; he is the king!"

             * George S. Kaufman: "One man's Mede is another man's Persian."

             * Groucho Marx: "Time wounds all heels."

             * Groucho Marx, while discussing a safari in Africa: "We shot
                                       two bucks, but that was all the money we had."

             * Harry Truman, inviting guests to his home in Independence for one of Bess'
                           home-sooked meals, often quipped, "Missouri  loves company."

             * Oscar Wilde's "work is the curse of the drinking classes" is  the most
                          quotable quote in saloons, bar none.