Erwin Jokes

While it is difficult to rate a particular joke as my all-time favorite, I do love the following and it certainly ranks high in my estimation:

A California highway patrolman stopped a car south of San Diego. Addressing the man in the driver's seat through the open window, he says: "Sir, I have been following you for miles and I want to congratulate you for driving just at the posted speed limit. I am the president of the Policeman's Union and I am pleased to announce that you have won a prize for being the 'Safe Driver of the Week'. I have here a check for $500 as your reward. Now how do you think you might want to spend this money?" Whereupon the driver responds: "Well, I guess I might take a course and get a driver's license." Just then his wife sitting beside him says: "Don't pay any attention to that. He's a little crazy when he's drunk." And the boy in the back seat pipes up: "Are we in trouble for being in a stolen car?" Finally, a voice in Spanish from the trunk calls out: "Are we over the border yet?"

There have been many stories told over the years about the 'Pearly Gates' where supposedly people are judged whether or not they might be worthy to enter Heaven. Here are a couple of my favorites:

A teacher, a thief, and a lawyer arrived at the Pearly Gates and were greeted by Saint Peter. He promptly informs them that: "We have a new policy here. Everybody has to answer a question to be admitted." He turns to the teacher and asks: "What was the name of that ship that got hit by the iceberg?" She replies: "That's easy - the Titanic." Whereupon, Saint Peter replies: "Correct - you may enter." And the teacher walks through into Heavan. Then Saint Peter turns to the thief and asks: "How many people died in that disaster?" The thief taps his head with his hand and says: "Wow, that's a tough one! But I saw that movie with Di Caprio. I think its about 1500." St. Peter replies: "Ok, that's close enough. You can go in." And the thief walks through the Pearly Gates into Heaven. Then Saint Peter turns to the lawyer and says: "Name them!"

One day, two very scruffy-looking men appear at the Pearly Gates and are greeted by Saint Peter. Securing their names, he consults his huge book of facts, and says: "Well, I am sorry gentlemen, but I cannot allow you to enter. You have not been very good down on Earth." At that point, one of the men says: "Now wait a minute. We repented at the last minute. You have to let us in." Saint Peter takes another look at the book and says: "Well, I am really sorry, but you two just haven't been very good at all. I just can't let you in." And then the other man says: "No, you must let us in. We repented at the last. That is the rule. You better go check with the boss." And so Saint Peter says: "Well, ok, I will ask of the Lord. But I really don't think He will agree with you." And so, Saint Peter leaves briefly to inquire of higher authority. A few moments later, an angel comes running up behind him and exclaims: "Saint Peter, they're gone!" Whereupon, Saint Peter says: "What? You mean those two men I was talking to?" And she says: "No, the Pearly Gates. They're gone!"

This story is not actually my favorite, although I agree it is funny and it was highly rated by Reader's Digest a while back:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decided to go camping and carrying their gear, they enter the woods to find a suitable spot to have dinner and spend the night. After a pleasant meal over the campfire, they set up their tent and crawl inside into their sleeping bags to retire. At some point in the wee hours of the night, Holmes violently shakes Watson and exclaims: "Watson, wake up. Look up and tell me what you see!" Watson is confused and gazing upward at the stars in the sky, cannot quite figure out just what Holmes is talking about. So he hedges his bets by covering several bases and says: "Well, astronomically speaking, I see that Jupiter is in Taurus, the Bull, the Pleiades are bright and easy to distinguish, and the moon is at first quarter phase. Astrologically speaking, I see that Mars is directly above Orion, so it seems likely that we will have good fortune in the month ahead. And meteorlogically speaking, the sky is extremely clear so I expect we will have a very nice day tomorrow. Is that what you mean?" Whereupon Holmes retorts: "Watson, you idiot, somebody stole our tent!"